http://www.youtube.com/embed/tLgdb6r0MQ4?rel=0

The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (i.e., the equivalent of a four-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.  One officer stood up and asked, “Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?”

The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

Another officer asked, “Who will be the enemy?”

The general replied, “All indications point to China.”

Everyone in the audience was shocked. A third officer remarked, “General, we are a nation of only 150 million people, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese.  Can we win at all, or even survive?”

The general answered, “Just think of this for a moment.  In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters, but the quality of an army’s capabilities.  For example, fairly recently in the Middle East, we have had a few wars in which 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs.  Israel was always victorious.”

After a small pause, yet another officer from the back of the auditorium asked, “Do we have enough Jews?”

A man walks into shul with a dog.

The shammas comes up to him and says, ‘Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can’t bring your dog in here.’

‘What do you mean,’ says the man, ‘this is a Jewish dog. Look.’

And the shammas looks carefully and sees, that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck, this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.

‘Rover,’ says the man, ‘kipa!’

‘Woof!’ says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.

‘Rover,’ says the man, ‘tallis!.’

‘Woof!’ says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.

‘Rover,’ says the man, ‘daven!’

‘Woof!’ says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.

‘That’s fantastic,’ says the shammas, ‘absolutely amazing, incredible!

You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make millions of dollars!!

‘You speak to him,’ says the man. ‘He wants to be a doctor.’

When I was a little kid, I had a verbal fight with a little girl from down the block—her name was Rooney. She slapped me across the face and said, “No Jew can talk to me like that!”
I saw her occasionally after that. She glanced at me and looked mortified.
***
Poem for Passover…

When I was a very little kid…
At passover seder
After someone ELSE asked the 4sameold questions

I quietly snuck under the dining table

It took forever but finally someone said,

“Where’s Warren?”
and
“Warren, why are you under the table?”

I whined: “Nobody’s paying attention to me anymore!”

Yes, that’s what happens when you get old…

this week’s New Yorker:

Shouts & Murmurs

Next Question

by Paul Rudnick April 9, 2012

At every Passover Seder, the youngest child asks the Four Questions, including “Why is this night different from all other nights?” and “On all other nights, we eat either sitting or reclining, but why on this night do we recline?” In order to make this year’s Seders more user-friendly, the United Council on Reform Judaism has suggested adding the following bonus questions:

1. Is the fact that Gwyneth Paltrow is only half Jewish really a blessing in disguise?

2. Was there anyone in the Talmud named Madison?

3. If Lucky Charms were a Jewish cereal, would the box have a picture of Rahm Emanuel?

4. In a Jewish family, isn’t “tiger mother” just another term for “amateur”?

5. If Harry Potter were Jewish, wouldn’t he have gone to a better school?

6. Why does Kindle sound like a Yiddish word for an especially adorable grandchild?

7. If your daughter married a chiropractor, would you even bother telling anyone?

8. If your daughter were a chiropractor, would you always add the words “to the stars”?

9. When Elena Kagan was sworn in as a Supreme Court Justice, did her mother murmur, “Maybe she’ll meet someone”?

10. Why do even Gentile hipsters dress like Yentl?

11. When that computer beat those two human contestants on “Jeopardy!,” did Alex Trebek comment, “Well, of course—it’s Jewish”?

12. If there were a reality show called “Jersey Shul,” in which the entire cast was made up of Orthodox Jews, would they spend all their time working out,
tanning, and waiting for the Messiah?

13. If, for the sake of world peace, Passover and Easter could be combined, would Jesus be resurrected and announce, “I came back for the buffet”?

14. Are the Zuckerbergs now thrilled that Mark never went outside and got some fresh air?

15. If a Jewish astronaut had been the first man on the moon, would he have said, “That’s one small step for a man, and there’s parking”?

16. Every time Jerry Seinfeld appears as a guest on Jon Stewart’s show, does a Jewish angel sigh happily and feel a little bloated?

17. When you proudly tell your family that your beloved daughter is a lesbian rabbi, is there any way to stop Aunt Henny from exclaiming, “But she’s so pretty!”?

18. If Moses’ mother met Jesus’ mother and said, “My son received the Ten Commandments,” would Jesus’ mother then say, “Well, my son sacrificed himself for the sins of all humankind”? And then would Moses’ mother take a long pause and say, “But at least Moses calls”?

http://www.youtube.com/embed/8VwZPCORLJg?rel=0
 

British film and TV director Sir Ridley Scott launched a global contest for aspiring filmmakers:

the films could be no longer than three minutes,

with no more than six lines of narrative.

There were 600 entries;

Here is the winning “Porcelain Unicorn” of Kegan Wicox: , mc

http://www.porcelainunicorn.com/